541am, and I have been awake since 445am. 

Stimes I just hate myself, hate the way I think, hate the way my feelings and mind works. Just simply hate it. Random thoughts just like to come to me. 

| Physical r/s | Love | Weight | Job | Home | Food | Looks | Friends | Future |

I guess these are some topics that just comes. It is stupid. I feel like Im just nothing, living on a scheduled timing. I want so much love from him, that stimes I feel like Im the one who tries. There is a definite issue but there doesnt seem to be a solution. Nor he seems to be trying. Or m I just too ....... needy. 

How stupid. But of cause he loves me. He does love me right. I can imagine him being angry if i still doubt him. But could it be a habitual thing? Neither m I “not not hot” enough for him, I mean, thats what he told. But I look at myself, it may play a part though. 

Stupid. How do you stop thinking? How do you just shut your mind? For a moment, I just felt like throwing things around, go mad, scream, cry. Everyone knows you cant help it. No one wants to think so much, they just want to lead a care free or even better, a fuck free life (not as in  “no fuck”, but a fuck care attitude). 

Maybe because my friends are not here. Maybe because Im not working. Which is why he mentioned that we will go back by next year. Thats the goal. Maybe he thinks I have too much free time and is making me go crazy. See, I think too much but seems like a coincidence that he mentioned this. 

ARGH ! I HATE IT ! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE IT ! I HATE MYSELF !