HAIIS. I can’t count how many times I keep sighing today. I have been down recently but no one cares. Cos I don’t have anyone, even my husband doesn’t wanto talk about sad things with me. So if I am down, who do I talk to? As he said, I only have 4 friends. To be honest, P, S and W, I don’t talk in depth stuffs with them. P and S, I never did I guess, it was always drinks. But then recently I feel that they are nice people but we do not know each other very well. W, well, married with a kid, obviously no time for me but I also don’t talk too in-depth stuffs with him. 

I guess who else to blame. Myself, who else. I can’t talk (unless I am drinking and then I tend to forget things). I want to make friends, I want to talk but I can’t. I’m afraid that people will think that I’m too boring which I think I am. Most conversations I do not participate is because I do not know what to comment on. Basically I don’t know any news, or what is going on with the world or I know too little to comment. Cos if it doesn’t impact me, why should I? I can’t even figure myself out so why the world? 

HAIIS. if I’m sad, who can I show it to, who can I tell it to? My heart feels so heavy, then even some small issue goes wrong in work, I can just feel the tears in my eyes. I feel so sad. I had a conversation with an auntie about her niece, she doesn’t understand why her niece is depressed about her work. There is so many things to be depressed about, but work is definitely not one of them. Basically she doesn’t understand what is there to be depressed about for the younger generation. I do agree to a certain extend but for people who has not suffered worst, they do not know what worst is, and whatever they are facing now, maybe it is the worst for them. So for everyone is different, the level of life experience that one faced, is different. I mean, I have a job, house, food, not lacking of money, but still I am sad about my life.

I realise that people are nice but to be the extend of considering “best friends” is a another level. They are not 猪朋狗友。they are sincerely nice people but you are not one of the people who people pay attention to. Usually I am okay to drink alone, when people strike up conversation with me, I do engage. It’s when it comes to an end, and they just disappears. I’m not wanting a number or anything, just a goodbye. Is it too much? Because I know I will say a goodbye and then leave.

I don’t know, maybe menses coming or it’s 2023. New year new start, all the shits. 

I am just sad about who I am. I guess.